The Technicolor wasteland of AMERICA 20XX is filled with heroes, villains, anti-heroes, anti-villains, and the rare amalgamation of all of the above, "the anti-vero." That being said, here's a primer of some of the characters you might meet in the show. We'll add more of the gang as we get around to, uh, building the real characters' costumes.
DR. ATTICUS STRIPES
- Height: Like, taller than a dream but shorter than a notion.
- Weight: 4,000 tabs
- Class: Anti-hero
- Team Affiliation: The Power Patriots, The Gonzo Gang
- First Appearance: Tales of Electoral Weirdness #45 (hologram cover)
Origin:
Every American generation gives birth to a symbolic champion that is the physical manifestation of that era's loftiest ideals. Think Uncle Sam, Rosie the Riveter, or Smokey the Bear.
Dr. Atticus Stripes was supposed to be America's champion for the pre-Watergate, post-'68 generation. The problem was, the good Doctor was so fucking high he missed the late sixties entirely and made his debut in the year 20XX.
"He showed up at our headquarters, The Freedome, wearing nothing but a soiled copy of Thomas Paine's Common Sense as a loin cloth," recalls Power Patriot team leader Constitution. "He claimed it was the most liberating garment he ever wore."
Dr. Stripes quickly ingratiated himself with the Power Patriots thanks (in no small part) to his superhuman ability to emit a narcotic mist through his body pores. A human nervous system caught within a 300 foot radius of this "vibe haze" will experience a drastic, groovy increase in endorphin and dopamine production. Any battle involving Dr. Atticus Stripes ends quickly, as friend and foe alike immediately forget what they were fighting over and leave the battlefield to look up Primal Scream videos on Youtube.
"For years he referred to me as 'Jack Nicholson,' " admits Power Patriot muscle Red State/Blue State. "To be fair, I did nothing to correct him."
Death:
Dr. Atticus Stripes sadly passed away during the Crisis of Infinite Federal Emergencies. In an effort to divert a hurricane from Helena, Montana, Dr. Stripes unleashed the full of his "vibe haze." His fatal exertion not only dissipated the hurricane, but transformed the entire Montana badlands into a sea of tambourines. His last words were, "I see the Lord, and he looks exactly like Jughead."
Is he a character we made up for the press photos?
Yes!
FLINTLOCK BULLPUP
- Height: 300 caliber
- Weight: .5 megatons
- Class: Hero
- Team Affiliation: The Power Patriots, The ARN
- First Appearance: Flintlock Bullpup meets The Apple Dumpling Gang #1
Origin:
Flintlock Bullpup is the latest in a long line of American superheroes going back to Steeleyes Bullpup (more famously known as "The Buckshot Lobber of 1812") and Theo "Tin Grin" Bullpup (aka "The Southpaw of Verdun"). All members of the Bulllpup clan possess the genetic predisposition to toss ammunition faster, harder, and with greater accuracy than any conventional firearm.
Sadly, this skill is both a gift and a curse - despite their magnificent ammo throwing power, the Bullpup family can only toss underhand, thus forcing them to "throw like girls." Luckily for us, this sort of schoolhouse taunting is the perfect impetus required to drive one towards a career in superheroics and/or fastpitch softball.
Seeing as how his superpower constantly brings his masculinity into question, Flintlock Bullpup is a staunch 2nd Amendment opponent - he considers gun owners feminine and unsporting. "Killing with a firearm is like only sexing your girl with a vibrator. You're using a machine to do a man's job."
Death:
Flintlock Bullpup died underhanding an ICBM at a mouthy purse snatcher.
Is he a character we made up for the press photos?
Yup.
SUPER EAGLE
- Height: 300 squawks
- Weight: More than a henhouse
- Class: Anti-Vero
- Team Affiliation: The Power Patriots
- First Appearance: TV Guide, Week of April 19-25, 1987
Origin:
Super Eagle is a gross, illiterate clone of the extinct bald eagle. Tacked on as a sweet rider on the controversial HR 4568 (The "Mandating School Lunches for Prisoners" Referendum), the Eagle Fly Free Act funneled trillions of taxpayer dollars into fruitlessly splicing bald eagle DNA with frog DNA.
To cut a long, unnecessarily complex, Rube Goldberg-esque chain of incompetence short, all the cloning trials failed until a klutzy grad student spilled the last remaining eagle DNA sample on a cheese steak someone had insalubriously brought into the lab. The cheese steak DNA fused with the bald eagle aminos and SCIENCE! From that liberty sandwich, Super Eagle was born!
The nation was overjoyed until everyone realized that the decision to defund Social Security had not created an actual eagle but rather an idiot animal sidekick. Super Eagle's birthday is nowadays considered an unofficial day of mourning. It's also a state holiday in Minnesota.
Is he a character we made up for the press photos?
Unfortunately for everyone, no.